


Words Are Hard

by BlueDblue62



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Decked Out, Depression, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Loneliness, Minecraft, Misunderstandings, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26765539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueDblue62/pseuds/BlueDblue62
Summary: 5 times Evil X wished he could communicate how much he was hurting, +1 time when he finally does
Relationships: None intended
Comments: 26
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please talk to someone you trust if you are feeling depressed or suicidal. Don't keep those feelings to yourself, you don't have to suffer alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wondering why you aren't noticing that I'm ignoring you. Wanting you to ask me what's wrong to show me that you care.

Evil X sat perched upon a shulker box, idly watching Xisuma walk around his storage room carrying items from shulker boxes and depositing them into the correct chests that lined the walls. Silence stretched between them, interrupted only by the sounds of chests and shulkers opening and closing as he worked.

Evil X tapped his fingers against the box beneath him, brows furrowing into a glare with every passing second of silence.

"...Aren't you going to ask if I'm okay?" 

Xisuma stopped in his tracks, turning to look at his clone in confusion. 

"What? What do you mean?"

"I've been sitting here silently for almost 5 minutes just watching you."

"Yes? I don't mind you watching."

"Usually I'm talking to you the whole time, but I haven't said a thing and you didn't notice that something was different." Evil X said, sounding accusatory. Xisuma blinked, lost for words.

"I'm… sorry? I was busy, Evil X." Xisuma told him, frowning. "Is everything alright? You can talk to me."

"You're only asking me now if I'm okay because I brought attention to it." Evil X crossed his arms. "It's not as genuine, now you're just asking because you feel like you have to."

Evil X briefly wondered if Xisuma hadn't noticed his silence, or if he had noticed and enjoyed the silence. Enjoyed not having to listen to Evil X talk his ear off all day.

"That isn't true." Xisuma closed the chest he had been working in, walking to his clone and putting down a random shulker box from his inventory next to the one Evil X was sat on, making a makeshift chair for himself. He sat down and put his hand on Evil X's shoulder, knowing that touch was important in grounding the other when he was upset. "I'm asking because I care. What's going on?" 

Evil X was reluctant to answer. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? For Xisuma to approach him and ask what was wrong so he didn't have to initiate anything? He suddenly felt his throat close up and his hands started to tremble, feeling pressure behind his eyes. He shut his eyes hard, unwilling to let Xisuma see him cry. 

"Nevermind. It's nothing. It doesn't matter." He growled, brushing off Xisuma's hand and standing up. 

"It's not nothing, or else you wouldn't have brought it up." Xisuma corrected, standing with him. "Evil X, talk to me. Clearly something is bothering you." 

"You're the only thing bothering me right now!" He snapped, glaring at the other over his shoulder. Xisuma looked taken aback, hand freezing in midair where it was presumably reaching out for his shoulder again. He let his hand drop down to his side with a sigh.

"Alright." He relented, picking up the shulker he had put down as well as the one Evil X had been sitting on. "I'm sorry I upset you. Please come talk to me when you're ready. I'll always be here to listen."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why can't I have you all to myself. I don't have anyone else, I need you.

"You're being selfish!" Evil X growled. "You _know_ I don't have anyone else to talk to except for you. You're leaving me on my own all day, spending time with your friends while I have to sit here _alone_ ! They don't need you, they have other people to talk to. I _don't._ "

"Why don't you go make friends of your own, then?" Xisuma replied calmly, confused at Evil X's sudden outburst. All he'd done was say he was going out to spend some time with Keralis, then all of the sudden he was being yelled at.

"It isn't just that easy!" Evil X's voice broke, and he slapped a hand over his mouth, trying to hold back his sob. _If it was that easy, I wouldn't be here right now about to cry like a baby because the idea of you spending time with someone else makes me feel sick._

Xisuma's irritated face melted into sympathy. 

"Oh, Evil X." He sighed, gently grasped his clone by both shoulders and pulled him close, hugging him firmly. The other didn't move in his arms at first, one hand still covering his mouth and the other held limply at his side. 

"Don't pity me." Evil X's words were muffled, but intelligible.

"I don't pity you, I'm worried about you." 

"Not worried enough to ask what's wrong." 

"Why don't you come to me and _tell me_ what's wrong instead of waiting for me to ask you?" Xisuma pulled away from the hug to look the other in the eyes.

The question stumped Evil X for a moment, silence stretching on. 

"I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me," Xisuma hugged him again, giving him a comforting squeeze. "I know I'm busy a lot, but if you need to talk, I'll drop everything for you. How's that sound?" 

Evil X finally wrapped his arms around the other, burying his face in his neck. 

"...Okay." he replied softly, voice flat. 

"Would you like to come along with me today?" Xisuma offered after a short pause, to Evil X's surprise. 

"Would Keralis be okay with that...?" He asked, his mind already racing with all the ways the interaction could go wrong. 

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Are you interested?" 

Evil X considered the question. The thought of having to _share_ Xisuma's attention with the other hermit wasn't very appealing, but Xisuma seemed excited to invite him out. Plus, he felt like it would be awkward if he backed out now after showing interest.

"Sure, I've got nothing else planned." Evil X agreed.

~

Xisuma had agreed to meet Keralis on the T-junction that connected their two bases, the other man waving as they approached. Evil X was tense, his chest felt tight and his hands were clammy inside his gloves. He was already exhausted by the interaction, and they hadn't even greeted each other yet. 

"Keralis!" Xisuma called out to the other hermit, quickening his pace in excitement upon seeing his long time friend. 

"Shashwammy!" Keralis replied happily, holding his arms out for a hug. Xisuma accepted the hug without hesitation, patting Keralis on the back affectionately.

Evil X stood off to the side, kicking at the road to keep himself busy as the others greeted each other. He gasped when arms suddenly wrapped around him.

"You're meant to hug back!" Keralis said playfully, releasing Evil X from the hug and holding him still with hands on his shoulders, examining his face through his helmet's dark visor. "It's been a very long time since we've seen each other. Already I see you're a very different man! You're missing your dramatic lightening strikes that would follow everywhere you went!" 

Evil X nodded, shrugging Keralis' hands off of him uncomfortably. Xisuma spoke for him when he hesitated, saving him from talking.

"He's made so much progress in trying to be good. I'm very proud of him." Xisuma praised, his words making Evil X a but flustered, glad his dark visor hid the embarassed flush on his cheeks.

He tuned out the conversation when Keralis and Xisuma changed the topic, all three of them beginning to walk down the road as they talked. He had already felt tense, but now after the awkward reintroduction, Evil X felt his desire to call this off and just leave grow with every step he took, legs feeling like lead as he lagged behind the other men. 

Their words became background noise, unable to focus on anything they were saying even if he wanted to. He could feel himself spacing out as he walked, not even paying attention to his surroundings or where they were going. It didn't matter, anyway. He felt like an unwelcome guest, like he was just following Xisuma and Keralis like some creepy stalker. 

The sound of Xisuma’s laugh brought him out of his head for a moment, looking up from the road. Evil X felt anger surge through him when he saw Keralis’ smiling face, heard the laugh they both shared as they told some inside joke to each other. _Why did Xisuma even invite me?_ __Th_ is is stupid. It's like I'm not even here. _

He stopped in his tracks, watching silently as the other two kept walking without him, not even noticing that he had stopped, too engrossed in their conversation. Evil X felt wetness on his face, turning away when he realized angry tears were rolling down his cheeks. 

Without another thought, he grabbed the elytra and firework rockets he kept in his inventory and took off, the high pitched whistling of the firework rocket not able to fully drown out the sound of Xisuma calling his name from the ground as he took off in the opposite direction. He didn't care at this point if Xisuma wanted him to come back now. He'd lost his chance to act like he actually wanted Evil X around. 

Surely they would have more fun without him there, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Struggled slightly with this one because while it's written based on my own experiences, it was surprisingly difficult to describe the physical tolls anxiety has on the body  
> Also my experience was over a discord voice call, not real life, so also a little hard to change the situation to make sense lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You promised you would be there for me when I needed you.

"Now isn't a good time, Evil X." Xisuma said as the other entered the room, making him freeze in the doorway. 

"What?" Evil X asked dumbly, shocked that he was already being turned away. He hadn't even managed to get out a "hey" before being denied. 

Xisuma's words from a few days ago echoed in his mind. 

_ If you need to talk, I'll drop everything for you. _

"This isn't a good time." Xisuma repeated, not even turning around to look at him. He was fully focused on the admin panels open in front of him, typing commands and strings of code into them. 

"I- I need to talk to you." Evil X tried, the confidence he entered the room with draining fast. Xisuma still didn't turn around, though Evil X saw his fingers stop typing.

"...Can you come back in 5 minutes or so and then we can talk? I'm in the middle of something." Xisuma tried to compromise, sounding genuinely sorry. Evil X stared at the back of the admin's head with a crushed expression.

"But- You-" Evil X shut his mouth, jaw tensed in anger. "Nevermind." He muttered, turning away and preparing to storm out. Xisuma called out to him before he could leave, making him stop in the doorway. Evil X didn't turn around, only glaring over his shoulder at the other.

"Evil X, I'm sorry. You understand, don't you? I can't just abandon this, things could break if I leave it half finished." Xisuma had paused his work to turn around in the chair and face his clone, his eyes tired and apologetic. 

Evil X felt hot anger flow through his veins.

_ He said he would drop everything for me.  _

"So you can't abandon whatever you're doing, but you're fine with abandoning  _ me _ ?" Evil X muttered under his breath, regretting the words as soon as he said them. Of course he didn't believe that, but he was just so  _ angry _ . 

Xisuma visibly recoiled at his words, shock evident in his eyes. He shook his head and turned back to his work a moment later, resuming his typing. 

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response. We can talk later when you've calmed down, okay?"

Evil X's face felt hot with humiliation at Xisuma's words, spoken so gently, like he was talking to a child having a tantrum.

Hurt and embarrassed, Evil X felt a sob crawl up his throat, masking the noise with a scoff. 

He left without another word, already planning to avoid Xisuma completely for the rest of the day.

He really didn't feel like talking anymore, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short but the next two chapters are absurdly long so hopefully that'll make up for it


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You offered to help but you aren't the help that I wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was weirdly hesitant about posting this chapter  
> I had rewritten it once already, and didn't want to rewrite it again even though I kind of liked this pass  
> I just felt like it wasn't as universally relatable to people   
> This one felt too personal to share, like only I would relate to the very specific example of "hiding from the person who I'm mad at only for someone else to offer help, which I ignore because they aren't the person who I WANTED to notice me >:("
> 
> Also chapter tw for suicidal thoughts
> 
> Anyway enjoy

It was too easy for Evil X to pretend he simply didn't exist. It felt as if his impact was so small, no one even would notice if he went missing.

Deliberately out of the way from any other hermits, Evil X found himself on a sandy beach just outside of the jungle north of Xisuma’s base. He didn't go far enough away that he wouldn't be able to find his way back, but he was fairly sure it would take some time to locate him in the event that someone actually came looking for him. It had already been an hour, and no sign of Xisuma, or anyone, coming to look for him.

He had calmed down significantly since his spat with Xisuma, but the words fueled by anger that he had thrown at the other were still haunting his mind. 

He wanted to apologize, but refused to do so unless Xisuma apologized first. The argument wouldn't have started it all if _he_ hadn't been so busy to begin with. Evil X scowled, the betrayal he had felt when Xisuma turned him away still fresh. Realistically, he knew; Xisuma had other, better things to do than worry about him. 

Knowing didn’t make it hurt any less, however. 

He felt like he was taking Xisuma’s kindness for granted, since the time that he  _ did  _ spend with Evil X was enjoyable for the most part, and he didn't want to seem ungrateful by complaining the moment Xisuma turned him away. 

Evil X brought his knees up to his chest where he sat, hugging them close. He wanted space, to stay out of everyone's way and just be angry alone, but at the same time, he was craving someone to talk to. Xisuma would never know how hard it was for Evil X to ask to talk. An hour spent hyping himself up, trying to script what he wanted to say so he wouldn't mess up, working up the nerve to just tell the other what was wrong before he set foot in that room. It was hard to even tell himself what was wrong sometimes, instead preferring to pretend the problems simply didn't exist.

Evil X wished desperately that Xisuma could just read his mind and know what he was thinking so he wouldn't have to explain. 

His anger at Xisuma switched to anger at himself the more he thought about how selfish he was being, demanding Xisuma be there for him at the drop of a hat. He hated how much their exchange was affecting him, how much he was hurting over one rejection. He didn't deserve to be so upset. He was being too clingy, of course Xisuma wouldn't want to deal with him. 

He felt tears build up in his eyes, his intrusive thoughts reminding him that if given the choice, he wouldn't want to deal with himself, either. Looking out at the ocean that stretched out before him, he thought about how easy it would be to just disappear. It wasn't the first time he had a thought like this, an empty feeling settling itself in his chest. No one would probably notice or care besides Xisuma, some would probably even be happy if he was gone-

“Evil Xisuma, right?”

A surprised yell, much higher pitched than he would like to admit, ripped from Evil X's throat as he scrambled to his feet, turning around to face the source of the voice with his fists raised defensively. A man with white hair and a mask over the bottom half of his face stood a few feet away from him, stepping backwards and putting a bit more distance between them after Evil X’s strong reaction. 

“Woah! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you that badly!” the hermit raised his hands in a placating gesture, showing he didn't mean any harm. Evil X’s heart was still racing even as he lowered his fists. His brain caught up to the situation after his scare, putting a name to the face- Etho. He knew little about the other, and was confident that he wasn't in any danger in the other man's company, at least. 

“What are you doing sneaking up on people?” Evil X growled, hoping to move on from his embarrassment at being caught so off guard. 

“What are _you_ doing moping around by yourself?” Etho retorted in a light-hearted tone, raising an eyebrow. Evil X scowled at him.

“It’s none of your business.”

“Okay, fair enough,” Etho replied with a shrug. He paused, but kept talking when Evil X didn't attempt to continue the conversation. “But I would like to know what you're doing way out here all by yourself? Usually when I see you, you're always with Xisuma. It's kinda weird to see you without him, actually.”

Evil X winced, looking away.

“We had a... disagreement. I needed some time to myself.”

“What did you disagree on?” Etho asked. Evil X glared at him for being so nosy, but the other man’s eyes didn't seem to hold any ill intent, only curiosity.

“He… He was too busy to talk to me. I got angry and stormed out.” Evil X’s face flushed in shame. He couldn't meet Etho’s eyes after explaining the fight out loud; it sounded so juvenile.

“Yeah, that Xisuma is always busy, isn't he?” Etho agreed, laughter in his voice. “You know, you can talk to me, if you want? My schedule is clear for a few hours.” 

Evil X hesitated at the question. He was unsure how to feel, stuck between not wanting to talk to anyone but Xisuma, but also touched that Etho would offer his time to talk, even though he was basically a stranger. 

“How did you even find me out here?” Evil X diverted the conversation, buying himself more time to think over Etho’s offer.

“My base isn't too far from here, 500 blocks away, give or take. I saw you flying from Xisuma’s base about an hour ago, and I didn't want you to think I was following you, so I waited a bit. Came by to see if you were still around, and, well, here we are.” 

“You didn't have to come all the way out here for me. You don't even know me.”

“You haven't tried to kill me yet so I'd say you're a nice enough guy,” Etho replied. “so, what do you say? Want to come back to my base? Like I said, I'm not busy at all today. You can talk to me for hours if you want. I’ve been told I'm a good listener.”

Evil Xisuma was torn. He swallowed nervously, feeling dizzy with the onslaught of ways things could go wrong supplied by his mind. The desire to accept, to let go of the feelings that have been building and intensifying for weeks. Etho was being surprisingly kind, offering a hand to Evil X despite his less than desirable past. 

"I…" The words felt stuck in his throat, held back by his misgivings. The fear of opening up, of scaring a possible friend away, screamed at him as he tried to force the words out. "I- I-" he shut his eyes tightly, embarrassment at his inability to just  _ talk  _ making his tongue tied even further. He felt pressured, and overwhelmed. He took a step back away from Etho, putting distance between them until he could calm down enough to speak. 

"I need to go."  _ What? No! You're losing your chance to finally talk to someone who's willing to listen.  _ "Xisuma is probably wondering where I went."  _ Doubtful.  _

He took another step back, looking away when he saw the concern in Etho's gaze. 

"I really should be going." He muttered and fumbled to get the firework rockets out of his inventory, hurriedly leaping into the air as he set one off. He hit the ground hard and watched the rocket take off into the sky without him, wishing he would just fall into a hole and disappear. _If Etho didn't think I was_ _pathetic before-_

Evil X saw a hand extended out to help him up, and he quickly slapped it away, standing up and putting his elytra on properly. He took off into the sky without another word or glance at the other man, regretting ever getting out of bed that morning as embarrassment threatened to make him sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was actually looking at the s7 map to find a place for EX to hide out at that was far from Xisuma but close enough for someone to stumble upon him that's my level of dedication


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'd do anything to get your attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't relevant to mention before now but in this story evil x is considered a "glitch" so he isn't actually a real player. He exists, but since he's not a player, if he dies, he doesn't respawn
> 
> Also tw in this chapter for gore and a very roundabout and complicated failed suicide attempt

3 days. It had been 3 days, and Xisuma still had not come asking if he was okay.

Evil X had been keeping his distance, checking up on Xisuma to see if the other was affected at all by his disappearance. He held onto hope that Xisuma would be worried about him after their argument, sure that he would come and apologize, but no such thing had happened yet. 

Evil X would spend hours watching the admin add to his base, flying in and out of towers and doing his own thing, seemingly unbothered by the fact that Evil X hadn't said a word to him in 3 days. He wanted so badly to say something first; It wasn't his fault though, it was Xisuma who should be coming to him. 

In his hours of time to himself, he began to wonder how to get Xisuma’s attention. The thought of simply filling his base with TNT crossed his mind, but he didn't want to get banned again, he just wanted to get noticed.

Eventually he settled on something that was incredibly risky, but genius in his head. He felt strangely numb when the idea came to him, no panic or sadness following it up despite the danger he would be put into if he went through with it. 

He knew how much Xisuma loved Tango's new game. Evil X began to formulate a plan; he would play Decked Out, and let the game decide his fate.

In the first outcome, Xisuma doesn't come for him and he gets killed, an ironic death since lately Xisuma seemed to prefer playing the game instead of talking to Evil X.

If Xisuma _did_ come and save him, then it would be proof that Evil X was still important to him.

There was also the possibility that he actually got in and out of the dungeon in one piece, but the odds of that happening were not in his favor.

With his mind made up, Evil X found himself standing in the giant ravager head at the top of the stairs leading down into the dungeon game. He was hesitating, going over the details of his plan in his head, and definitely not stalling. 

He knew from how often Xisuma would talk about it that he would need a key to get into the dungeon to begin with. He was willing to steal a key if he had to, knowing that Xisuma usually kept his in the barrel in front of his board. With this in mind, he began to walk down the stairs, hoping that no one else would be down here lest they ask what he was doing. As he neared the bottom of the staircase, he slowed down, quickly glancing both ways to check. The place was thankfully empty. 

A grunt from in front of him made him look up, a ravager's ugly face staring at him from near the ceiling where it stood behind some chain bars. 

"What are you looking at?" Evil X growled as he descended the last few stairs, officially entering the main room. The creature obviously didn't answer, it's green eyes scrutinising. Evil X scoffed. "Fine, keep staring then. Awful manners." Evil X made sure he kept his voice down and his steps light as he approached Xisuma's board in the main room. He opened up the barrel, cheering silently in his head when he found the multiple keys the other man had been holding onto. He grabbed one of them before making his way for the iron doors that closed off the game to anyone who didn't have the special key. He dropped the key into the barrel, the iron doors opening for him with an inviting _clang_. He walked through them without another thought, picking up the glowing compass he found on the floor past the doors. He glanced at the room next to the dungeon entrance, seeing the shulker boxes and the bed and feeling a twinge of nervousness. He either got out alive or died alone in the maze-like dungeon.

There was no point in setting a spawn, and he didn't have any items on him, so he stepped on the pressure plates, frowning when the doors didn't open. Evil X looked over his shoulder at the empty room behind him, then at the doors again. No one was watching to stop him if he simply _broke_ through the door.

He curled his hand into a fist, beginning the slow process of punching out a hole big enough for him to get through. It didn't take too long, but his fist was aching by the time he was able to enter the dungeon.

The wither skeletons guarding the door rattled at him like they were telling him to stop, but he was more focused on gazing around the room he had stepped into past the broken door, the whole atmosphere felt different like he had stepped into an entirely new biome. Humid and cold, and eerily silent.

Nerves prickled under his skin as he began to move forwards, stepping over shallow puddles of water as he navigated the first area. He looked down at the compass in his hands as he continued forward, following the way the red arrow was pointed.

The atmosphere changed again as he left the jungle temple themed area, turning from humid to warm and cozy as he entered a castle-like hallway that made him slow down a bit, gazing around at the intricate details through the stone halls. He had been walking a bit too slowly apparently, allowing a ravager to catch up and see him from somewhere behind, making its existence known with an angry growl. 

Evil X turned around sharply, fingers tightening around the compass in his hand as he froze in fear. Only when the ravager started charging at him did his legs finally start working, boots scrambling for purchase on the wooden floors as he made his escape. He felt his heart hammering in his chest, real fear and adrenaline making him feel more alive than he had in weeks.

He was no longer paying attention to the compass or his surroundings, hyper aware of the grunting breaths that were too close behind him for comfort. After a few sharp turns that had him nearly running into the walls as he fought to keep his footing, he glanced over his shoulder briefly, breath catching in his chest when he saw the ravager struggling to make the same sharp turns he had been making. 

He had gained enough ground to feel safe as he took the moment to catch his breath, his body not used to so much stress being put on it. His shoulders slumped and he held himself up with hands on his knees, trying to listen for the ravager over his own pulse pounding in his ears. He could still hear the growls of the ravager, but it didn't seem to be getting any closer, so he didn't worry too much about it yet, focusing on calming down after the scare.

He stood up straight again when he had caught his breath, beginning to back out of the room so he could keep an eye on the ravager, which was glaring at him from where it was standing around the corner, still struggling to figure out how to maneuver its giant body around the bend. 

Evil X only turned around when he was out of sight of the beast, sighing in relief and looking down at his compass once more. It was pointing behind him now, which was not a good sign. He pondered how he was going to get there without running into the ravager again, walking forward without looking up from the red arrow. He hadn't gotten very far before growls in front of him made him stop, already backing away as he looked up into the emerald green eyes of another ravager up ahead blocking the hallway. His heart jumped in his throat, turning around to run back, but upon reentering the room he stopped, realizing his only other way out was still blocked by the first ravager. 

He felt sick with panic, frantically looking for an escape, of which there was none. Both paths were blocked by angry beasts; he racked his brain for any ideas, anything that could get him out of this-

The ravager behind him roared, charging him with its head down low. He barely had time to turn towards the sound before the beast impaled one of its horns perfectly between the sectioned armor of Evil X's suit, meeting no resistance as it stabbed into soft flesh with ease. The compass fell out of Evil X's hand as the ravager rammed into the wall behind him, pinning him to the stone, his feet held up off of the floor with only the beast's horn keeping him in the air.

Evil X was glad for his helmet as his head bounced painfully off of the wall with the force he was thrown against it, his agonized scream stuck in his throat from shock at the pain searing through his abdomen. He could feel the pulling of his skin and the shifting of his innards around the intrusion as gravity pulled him down further onto the horn keeping him off of the floor. He grabbed onto the now bloody horn with both hands, kicking his legs out in distress. He managed to land a solid kick to one of the beast's eyes, making it stumble back away from the wall with an angry grunt. The ravager threw him off of its horns and to the side with a shake of its head, sending him tumbling to the floor. 

Trembling gasps of pain left his lips with every quick breath, trying to crawl away as the beast approached him menacingly, it's head lowered ready to charge at him once more. He didn't get very far before he felt a wall behind him, halting his escape. Fear made his blood run cold, all the things he never got to say to people flashing past his mind as he stared into the wild, angry eyes of the ravager. 

Evil X put his hands over his side, feeling the blood steadily pouring out past his fingers and onto the wooden floors. He was already feeling tired, just holding his head up took so much energy. His hands did nothing to slow the blood flow; he gave up and let his arms fall limply to the floor, his head falling back as well as fatigue settled deep in his bones. This was what he wanted, right? No. He wanted Xisuma to save him. He wanted him to notice, he wanted to be safe and loved. He certainly didn't want to die alone like this. 

He willed himself not to cry as he shut his eyes and relaxed as best he could so he would feel less pain, preparing for the end as the beast growled, its large shadow looming over him-

The ground under him vanished, barely reacting when he was suddenly falling, grunting in pain as he fell onto hard stone. He heard the loud slam above him as the ravager crashed into the place he had been just moments before, followed by the angry grunting of a creature that had just lost its prey. 

Evil X flinched hard at the feeling of hands near his neck, crying out in pain as the movement jostled his wound. A voice shushed him, gentle fingers removing his helmet, cradling his head in their hands. The touch was grounding, comforting. He opened his eyes slightly, looking up to see who was touching him; he was met with Xisuma's upside-down but obviously worried face, most of his expression hidden behind his helmet but the furrow of his eyebrows and the horror in his eyes were very clear.

"What in the world were you thinking going in there!?" He cried, hands shaking where they held Evil X's head in his lap. Evil X didn't have the energy to respond, shrugging his shoulders and gritting his teeth at the pain that moving brought.

He felt a second set of hands moving him to lay fully on his back, presumably to get better access to heal him. Evil X's face scrunched up in confusion, trying to raise his head to see who else was touching him. Xisuma gently pushed his head back down, urging him to relax. His voice wavered when he spoke, as if he was trying not to cry.

"It's okay, it's just Tango. He's the one who saved you. You're very lucky he's such a quick thinker, he broke the blocks under you, making sure you would fall right out of the ravagers path." Xisuma explained, even through his trembling voice he retold the story like it was some grand tale. 

"It was the quickest way I could think of to get you out of there," Tango added, kneeling at Evil X's side as he inspected the injury. "Normally, my favorite part of the game is when people get destroyed," Tango's mouth twitched into a smirk, but it fell serious moments later. "-but it's only funny if they can come back afterwards to try again." He went on, his serious tone making Evil X feel like he was being scolded. 

He didn't reply, closing his eyes and letting Xisuma continue to pet his hair and say soothing things to him while Tango attended to the area where the ravager had speared him. 

Regen potions were splashed onto him until the wound stitched itself back up enough that he wasn't spilling blood all over the floor. He looked down at himself once he felt the pain ebbing away, seeing where Tango had torn away part of his suit to get to the injury, which was now fully closed, but the skin around it would be aching and tender for a few days still. His torso was still covered in blood, the floor beneath him no different. 

"That should do it for now." Tango stood up and dramatically dusted off his hands, grimacing when it just smeared more blood over them. 

"Thank you, Tango," Xisuma said sincerely. "Truly, thank you. If you hadn't been around-"

"It was really no problem," Tango cut him off, smiling kindly at them both. "Evil X, I appreciate you trying to support my game by playing it, but- and I'm staying this in the nicest way possible- please do not ever try to play again. I mean, you didn't even play it right- don't think I didn't see the broken door. The game wasn't on! You were basically playing it in easy mode!" Tango's words were playful but the serious undertone was not lost on Evil X. 

"I'll make sure he doesn't go anywhere near it any time soon," Xisuma added, placing the helmet back on Evil X's head before standing up from his kneeling position, holding his hand out to his clone. "Come on, Evil X. Stand up, you can lean on me if you need to." 

"Do you need any help?" Tango asked, watching as Evil X stood up on shaky legs, holding tightly onto Xisuma's hand to make sure he wouldn't fall.

"We should be fine… uh, how do we get out of here now?" Xisuma asked after a moment, looking around the mess of redstone that surrounded them on every side. The method to the madness was lost on Evil X, and looking at the red lines and colored wool everywhere just made his head spin.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the entrance." Tango offered, turning and leading them away from the bloody mess on the stone floor. Evil X calmed down as the sounds of the angry ravagers above them got softer as they moved further away, relaxing against Xisuma's shoulder. He felt exhausted as the adrenaline left his body, dragging his feet and leaning heavily on Xisuma for support as they made their way out of the behind the scenes of the dungeon behind Tango.

The trip back was entirely silent. As they made their way through the nether back to Xisuma's base, neither spoke a word, the tension thicker than the nether air itself. Evil X didn't have the energy to protest as he was lifted into Xisuma's arms, and was soon fighting off sleep as Xisuma flew them home. He was set back on his feet as they approached the the portal that would take them to Xisuma's base, Evil X limping half asleep into the portal as purple swirls surrounded both of them, the deafening whooshing sound all they could hear for a moment as they travelled between worlds. They stepped out on the other side, and Evil X visibly relaxed at the sight of the familiar white, yellow and gray towers and the jungle surrounding them. 

After only a few steps, Xisuma stopped walking, making Evil X stop as well. He turned to look at the other, ready to ask why they had stopped, but the anguished look on the admin's face made the words die on his lips.

Xisuma rested both hands on Evil X's shoulders, making him face the other fully. Evil X still averted his eyes though, guilt and anxiety clawing at him. He wasn't ready to face the consequences of what he had done, but he steeled himself anyway, shutting his eyes and preparing to be scolded.

"I… I could have lost you." Xisuma whispered, his voice choked up. Evil X raised his head quickly, eyes wide. "I _almost_ lost you. What if I hadn't been in the area at the time? What if Tango hadn't been close by? What if- What if you-" Xisuma's mostly neutral expression crumbled and he hiccupped softly, his shoulders shaking with the force of his sobs. Evil X was at a loss, unsure of how to respond. He'd never seen Xisuma cry like this before. He would have taken being scolded any day over watching the other man cry.

"Why did you go in there, Evil X? Why?" Xisuma asked miserably, looking into his clone's eyes. Evil X felt his throat constrict as he met his gaze, violet eyes glassy and filled with tears. Evil X saw the sorrow in his eyes, the helplessness and confusion. He wanted Xisuma to stop looking at him, he wanted to pretend none of this happened.

"You didn't come looking for me." Evil X answered honestly. 

"You're a grown adult! I assumed you just needed space to work things out, not for me to come check up on you." Xisuma replied, exasperated. "You should have just come and talked to me. You _knew_ there was a high chance of you dying by going in there and you went in there anyway. You could have been gone _forever_ , Evil X! Would that have been worth it?" Xisuma raised his voice, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks at the end of his sentence. Evil X felt guilty all over again.

"I thought you didn't care." He muttered, unsure of what else to say. He stared down at his boots, uncomfortable. Xisuma let go of his shoulders, wrapping his arms around Evil X's chest in a tight hug instead, making sure to be careful around his injury.

"I’m sorry I had to turn you away the other day. Please, please talk to me now," Xisuma begged softly. "I'm sorry that you feel like I don't care, or that I won't listen because I do care, and I want to listen. I want to help you, but you need to tell me what's going on." He told him seriously.

Evil X hesitated, staring at the ground as he considered his options. 

"Can… can we at least go inside while we talk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I proofread and revised this at least thirty times so I'm gonna be pissed if I find any errors later on
> 
> Also this chapter now has fan art 🥺 ❤️❤️❤️  
> https://axolotl-in-a-bucket.tumblr.com/post/634934790337052672


	6. +1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard, but I'll keep trying

Xisuma had cleaned himself up, his helmet off and his face dried and free of any tears. Evil X felt much less pressured talking to him when he wasn't crying, but words still didn't come easy. He sat in silence, wringing his hands as he thought of ways to stall.

"I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's bothering you." Xisuma's voice was gentle, the threat empty. He was trying to kill the tension, and Evil X appreciated it, even if it didn't really work. He took a deep breath and released it slowly, preparing himself to just rip off the band-aid. 

"I- I'm… sad," He says, watching Xisuma raise an eyebrow. He cleared his throat and continued before Xisuma could respond. "I feel so sad sometimes that it hurts, physically. When I want someone to talk to and no one is around, it's like I can actually feel my heart hurting." He elaborated, frowning. He hadn't ever had to put his feelings into words before. It was harder than he had thought it would be. He kept talking. "You aren't always around to talk, and I feel lonely. I want to make friends so I don't bother you all the time, but I don't know how. It all feels impossible."

"You don't bother me, Evil X. I'm sorry if I ever gave you that impression." Xisuma interjected softly. Evil X didn't reply, continuing like Xisuma hadn't spoken.

"Everything feels so much harder than it should be. No one else seems to have such a difficult time making friends, so clearly I'm the one doing something wrong." Xisuma opened his mouth, but Evil X held up his hand to stop him. "Even the people who do approach me I end up pushing them away, and I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me." 

He paused, looking down at the floor. He felt Xisuma's eyes on him. There was a long silence, a scowl on Evil X's face. He was hesitating, his knee shaking anxiously.

"You clearly have more on your mind. Please, talk to me. Let it all out. I promise I won't try to interrupt anymore." Xisuma prompted. Evil X shut his eyes tight, nodding. He didn't want to look Xisuma in the eyes for the next part. 

"Everything feels like a pointless battle. Like I shouldn't even bother putting the work into making friends, or getting out of bed, or anything, really, because it all won't matter, I'll be dead one day and nothing will matter," He heard Xisuma's sharp intake of breath, but he kept going. "Every day is the same, with no one wanting to be near me, struggling to get myself out of bed, trying my hardest not to annoy you-" Evil X spoke through gritted teeth, his hands going to his head and pulling hard at his hair. "I just- I just want to give up." He let the tears fall finally, a shaky exhale leaving his lips. "I'm not even meant to exist, quite literally a  _ mistake _ . I want to give up so badly. I just want it to stop. I want it all to be over." 

Gentle hands grasped at his wrists, removing his hands from his hair. He released his grip, opening his eyes, having to blink a few times to actually be able to see Xisuma through his tears. 

"Thank you for telling me," Xisuma told him, making Evil X frown. 

"What?"

"It must have been very hard to talk about something that serious, and I'm so, so glad you told me," Xisuma moved in for a hug, arms wrapping around his clone tightly. "I'm so sorry I didn't notice that things were this serious. I should have paid more attention. I should have-"

"It's not your fault, I didn't exactly make it easy for you to help me."

"It doesn't matter. I still could have done something other than getting frustrated with you." Xisuma sighed. "Does… does all that have to do with why you went into Decked Out?" Xisuma asked carefully. 

"I guess. I mostly did it to get your attention." He looked away, feeling childish. 

"Well you certainly accomplished that," Xisuma smiled sadly. "I don't fully know how to help you yet, but I'm positive that just being aware of how you're feeling is a huge step in the right direction." He patted Evil X on the back, stepping away from him and releasing him from the hug. "Stay the night here. Please."

"If you're offering because you think I'm going to go try and kill myself after we're done here-" he stopped short when Xisuma flinched at his words, like the thought physically hurt him. 

"No, that's not the reason," He kept one hand on Evil X's shoulder. "I just want to make up for the times when I wasn't there for you," He said honestly, smiling as he looked down at the other fondly. "We'll get through this together. You may give up on yourself at times, but I promise,  _ I'll _ never give up on you." 

Evil X felt tears spring to his eyes again, but he forced them back, smiling and nodding his head.

"...Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little short but I felt like I couldn't really add anything else without it being weird   
> Anyway  
> the projection is strong in this one  
> hope it made you feel emotions <3

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is bluedblue62.tumblr.com


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